2013 read #31: The Cactus Eaters by Dan White.

The Cactus Eaters: How I Lost My Mind -- And Almost Found Myself -- On the Pacific Crest Trail by Dan White
374 pages
Published 2008
Read from February 27 to March 2
Rating: ★★ out of 5

This is a book about an enthusiastic but under-prepared writer who hears about a nation-spanning footpath and, with a bosom companion, sets out to hike it end to end -- and fails spectacularly. So, basically A Walk in the Woods, except not as funny or charming, and set way out West. Also, the writer's companion is his girlfriend, and much of the book -- most of the book -- centers on the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) as a test of their relationship.

At one point I peeked ahead to see whether Dan White and "Allison" (probably not her real name) do indeed fail spectacularly, and I found out they do, in a manner of speaking: they have an altogether commonplace breakup and go their separate ways. Which made reading the stuff in between really, really weird. I'm here to read funny tales of the author bumbling his way up the PCT, not the author's extended paean to a relationship that crumbled a decade before. I especially don't want to read about the sex. Maybe I have vestigial conservative tics buried deep in my brain, but I just don't see why the general public needs to know about your trailside lovemaking, or read you going on at length about sex with your ex, or get regular updates on how all the hiking firmed up her ass. It's like a casual acquaintance telling bland anecdotes about his California vacation and then leaning in close with milky breath and telling you all about the hard drive loaded with stag shots of his college sweetheart. It's just... weird. I'm trying to imagine White's pitch to his agent. "We'll sell the book on the idea that it's Bill Bryson fumbling around in the desert, but really it'll be about me fucking and fighting with this girl I used to go out with back in the day. Did I ever tell you how hot she was? Let me describe her for you one more time."

So that was kind of tedious and strange. And except for a few chuckle-worthy incidents in the first part of the book, overall it just wasn't that funny. Which is a damn shame. Of all the National Scenic Trails, the PCT has always been my favorite. It is the only one I still wish to hike end to end. My fondness for the locale and the trail itself (together with White's competency with words) is all that kept this book from an abysmal rating. There was just enough PCT flavor to keep me reading and engaged through all the ex-to-be melodrama and tedious dollar-store existential angst. I just feel that I was misled about what this book was gonna be like.